today...

Cried in the shower after finish the previous blog... again I let the water washes my tears dry... some how it still hurts to think of the lost... I know it will a drag the day of meeting him... I know I will pretend to be happy... to be chatty... wearing a mask to mask away all the saddness... trying to show him that i'm doing well... I guess that's the only way to mask my uneasiness.... and I know I will cry again after that meeting... when the farewell come again.... I wish i know how to go on easy on this journey.. the only way I can do is to let out all my feeling and pain in here.... and wish it will go away soon... at this moment the thought of missing him... hurt so much again... I guess some time is best to lie to yourself that all these does not really matter at all... I will be strong... I will walk again one day... its hard enough to loss your wings... now its even harder to lost your ability to walk... some days... I guess i'm just trying to crawl through the days just to get myself moving ahead... some time it keeps me wonder... what I did so far... wasn't enough for him to understand and make him give us a 2nd chance... I though I did manage to touch his heart when he told me he has gave it a though about us and would like to try again... the next moment... he gave you an reply that I have not thought deep enough... and I have force on him to say out... did I force you to call me to tell me all those stuff on the day you are leaving to australia? What makes you want to say all those words to me? which in the end you have never tried and you just back away.... some time I just wish that you have never called.. you have never said all those stuff... it make me feel that what you said and the decision you have made was all force by me... I really wonder what when into your mind when you called that day... I really wonder... but its the end... and its the end... I won't called nor will I asked.. like my heart... things are just going to be silence from now...